now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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