Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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