tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
as a side note pls kill me
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
