My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
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like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
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The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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