Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
