Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
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My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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