If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
