I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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