dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I intend to get homeless drunk
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
