I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
