he wants to bone in the snuggie
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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