You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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