I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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