A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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