You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
