My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
