that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.