I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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