Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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