I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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