I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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