This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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