Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
