I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
