Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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