she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
