Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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