Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
