I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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