I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
