just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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