Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
