At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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