Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
