you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
