She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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