You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
