It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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