I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
