If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish i was in the wii world.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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