This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He told me they were just razor bumps!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
