I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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