I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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