Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
