the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
