I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
