Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Pants are for mortals
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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