Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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