I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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