Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
