dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Soap is not a condiment
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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