That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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