this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
sex in a hospital.. check
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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