She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
