My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
